Eat My Math Skills

According to a new Chevrolet commercial, they will plant trees and perform other green activities on your behalf should you be so inclined as to purchase a Chevy. The carbon dioxide savings? 8 million metric tonnes over the next several years.

So, some math:

Average US citizen annual carbon footprint: 19 metric tonnes

Current US population: ~310,000,000

Total US annual carbon footprint: 19 x 310,000,000 = 5,890,000,000 metric tonnes

Chevy savings: 8,000,000 metric tonnes

Percent of US annual carbon footprint: 8,000,000 / 5,890,000,000 = 0.14%

Or as we engineers like to say...Jack squat. Diddly. An insignificant amount. And that's assuming the savings are in one year. It's only 0.07% if it's over two years.

Oh, well. The ad probably works on the same people that buy lottery tickets and Toyota Priuses.

If That's Being Cool...

I'd rather be lame.

I started this as an open letter to the brat in the new Toyota Highlander commercials. You know, the kid who tells us that just because we're parents we don't have to be lame. Every time I hear him say that I fight the urge to put my size 12 Red Wings through the TV.



To paraphrase Charles Sykes from his book "Dumbing Down Our Kids":

Before you were born your parents weren't as lame as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you lecture them on the lameness of their car, try getting around on your own for a while.

Sheesh. And get a hair cut while you're at it.

What Makes Engineers Cry?

This is the horrific sight that greeted me as I unpacked my work stuff this morning. My beloved 15C's screen is damaged. Had it been any worse than this I swear I would have cried. I can't see a lot of the function indicators, but all the digits are visible.

I've had this calculator since college. Not only did it get me through engineering school, but it has been my trusty companion for 15 years as an engineer. Am I living in the past? I don't think so. The form and function of this calculator are far superior to the calculators available today. The continuing popularity of the 12C financial calculator is a testament to this. Heck, Google "HP 15C" and see how many websites are dedicated to it.

And I'm not the only one pining for the return of the 15C. Go to www.hp15c.org and you can sign the petition for HP to bring it back.

Until then I have my 15C iPhone app and this.

Stimulus...

I like to think that I pay attention to the world around me. That I have a reasonable grip on what we're facing as a nation and a world. I like to think that when I listen to stories on the news I have the maturity to distinguish fact from bias.

I like to think these things, yet this morning while driving to work I heard a story about a man from Yemen that was placed on the CIA "capture or kill" list while the US government has not publicly filed charges.

My immediate response?

"Yumpin' Yemeni!"

Energy Crisis

I really wanted to mow the lawn and wash my car on Saturday, but I was having an energy crisis and just couldn't manage it.

Some phrases and concepts get batted around so much that they lose not just their impact, but also their meaning. Seems like every time I turn on the TV I hear about the impending energy crisis. Well, BP just lost some 4,200,000 gallons of crude into the Gulf of Mexico, but gas is still $3.13 and my TV still turns on.

All my life I have been told by teachers and the media that someday we will run out of oil. Hogwash. As resources get more and more scarce, the prices increase and demand falls. So as oil becomes scarce it will become so expensive that even I might consider getting a non-gasoline powered form of transportation. Why didn't I say Prius, or Chevy Volt? Because when that time comes who knows what incredible innovations the free market will have cooked up for consumers looking for a cheaper alternative to gasoline. Personally I hope for something more in the direction of the Tesla Roadster than the Volt.

In the meantime I've been thinking about getting a tank of 107 octane for the E46 before I sell it, just to see what happens.

Best Day Ever

A couple of weeks ago we were mulling over our lunch options when Teresa had the brilliant idea to eat at Jem 100. Jem 100 is a little ice cream parlor in Newberg, Oregon, that also sells cheeseburgers, chili dogs and the like. The bacon cheeseburger is absolutely amazing. Really.

So we went to Newberg. We feasted on our cheeseburgers and then set out on the town in search of antique stores. While we didn't find much in the way of antiques we did find a pet store with wandering tortoises and a cool toy store.

It was while we were trekking between the pet store and the toy store that Jenna declared the day to be the best ever. "Are we going to have more fun, Daddy?" Jenna asked me.

Funny how shopping in downtown Newberg could mean so much, but then, why not? We were together as a family. We got to ride in Daddy's car (always exciting for the kids). We got to eat some fun food. We saw huge wandering tortoises. Jenna and I made a racket at the toy store with some plastic tubes you whirl around.

What's not to like.

Happy Anniversary!

Today I celebrate seven years of amazing marriage to the love of my life, Teresa. I truly believe that we are meant to be together. We are kindred spirits. Thank you for all your love and support through the years!

Our marriage by the numbers:

Seven years
Three teenagers
Two babies
Five cars (me)
Four cars (her)
Eight moves
Four wards
Four cats
One dog
and lots and lots of pizza and love!

I love you, Teresa.

Generation War?

I am glad I didn't face the draft during the Vietnam War. I am quite certain that I would have served my country, but it I am also certain that I would have been frightened of the prospect of killing or being killed.

My son, Elliott, is a United States Marine. He has served one tour in Iraq and is schedule to deploy to Afghanistan this year. He joined the Marines for his own reasons, but his mother and I are very proud of his willingness to serve his country. So when I read this portion of The We Declaration my head nearly exploded:

"Our Lives are Not Our Own.
We are being conscripted to fight the wars of the plunderers, serving their ambitions and settling their scores. Many leaders care more about the illusion of victory, despite the costs, than about living in peace. We are told by our leaders that the 'war on terror' will last our entire lives, and perhaps that of our children. We are asked to breed children to fight this war which we did not start and which offers no prospect of peace or compromise."

Shame on the authors for spreading such filth. We have no draft. We have a voluntary military and these men and women are defending the interests of the greatest nation on the planet. If you don't believe that's true then GET THE HELL OUT! You are free to move to France with the other wussies.

I'm trying to imagine the method our government uses to ask people to procreate in order to build this nation's military. The ridiculousness of this statement is mind boggling. It is true that we did not start the war on terror. Those who brought the terror to US soil started the fight. The fight may never end in the sense that there is little prospect of compromise. Remember that peace has many definitions. During the cold war the Russians wanted peace. Of course peace to the Russians meant world-wide communism. Not exactly the kind of peace Americans were striving for.

The journey to adulthood is the pain of coming to terms with responsibility. Our lives are our own in as much as we accept that responsibility.

Generation We('re Not Gonna Take It)

The We Declaration needs a bibliography or at least some footnotes, because this following passage made my head spin and was clearly not written by or about the hundreds of high school kids that pack into the local Taco Bell at lunchtime:

"Our Health has Collapsed.
We are suffering an epidemic of chronic, preventable diseases of abuse and neglect. We are being poisoned by the food we are fed and the drugs we are prescribed. Media, education, and government all brainwash us into thinking poisons are good for us. As a consequence, we are on the path to be the sickest generation in history. As children, we have the diseased arteries of the elderly. One in three of us will develop diabetes, more than half of us will become obese, and half of us will get cancer. Our lifespan is expected to be less than our parents."

Wow. I think they need to cite a published study or two.

The line about obesity pretty much sums it up. How can the We Generation possibly be held responsible for their own actions? Or are parents, teachers and school administrators forcing 2-liter Mountain Dews on them between classes? Here's your European History textbook and your Red Bull IV.

We have known from the beginning of time what is and is not poison for our bodies. Sadly the more poisonous it is, the better it tastes! Believe me, if cauliflower and tofu tasted like pepperoni pizza I'd be all over it. Hence the need for personal willpower and personal responsibility. That doesn't excuse parental responsibility when it comes to chubby toddlers. But if you're are old enough to make a formal declaration then you're old enough to make decisions about what you eat.

What We Are

This is an excellent explanation of the type of government we have in the United States.

Hint: we are not a democracy!

Generation Wii

Have you read the We Declaration?

I get that kids today are concerned about their future. I was told all through school not to expect Social Security to be around when I grow up. Communism and acid rain were big concerns. I remember laying in bed thinking that I would see the mushroom cloud over Portland right before I was vaporized (Thank you "The Day After"!)

Some of the concerns outlined in the We Declaration are valid. Others I feel are based on a view of our country that is too far from what our founding fathers had in mind. So I will give my opinion on what seem like the most spurious points of the declaration.

First:

"The United States was formed to protect the interests of all citizens, including its young people. Our Constitution mandates liberties, rights, duties, and protects the people from oppression"

True and false. This seems like a case of using a statement of truth to bolster the false argument that follows. I don't think this was done intentionally. I truly believe that these people have not actually read the Constitution. How can they have? I have and I don't recognize any of the things listed.

The Constitution of the United States is not an exciting read. It's rather dry and boring, full of descriptions of the basic functions of the federal government. Aside from the preamble it doesn't even put its lips to the trumpet of freedom. It's more like, hey, you guys do this, you guys do that and you guys do this other thing. Done.

Certainly the ideas and concepts behind the writing of the Constitution had everything to do with liberties, rights, duties and protection from oppression. In fact, it was concern about these very things that prompted the Bill of Rights (aka Amendments I through X). The language of these amendments gives a clear indication of the purpose of the Constitution. Phrases such as "Congress shall make no law" and "...shall not be infringed" speak to restriction, not permission. That is, the Bill of Rights is more so a list of rights of out all the rights we have that the federal government cannot affect. Then comes the clincher, Amendment X:

"The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people."

To me that says the Constitution is not a document of what rights we have. We have all rights and amendments I through IX clarify some of them. We don't obtain our liberty and rights from the Constitution. They are unalienable rights, per the Declaration of Independence:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed..."

Note that life does not equal health, or a guarantee of health. More on this later.

Seven Car Garage

BMW E30 M3

Datsun 510 2-door

BMW E46 M3

Honda S2000

Mercedes-Benz 190E 2.3-16V "Cosworth"

2010 Ford Mustang GT

Acura NSX

Compared to the cars I have actually owned:

1978 Honda Accord LX Hatchback

1988 Honda Civic DX Hatchback

1999 Acura Integra LS Sport Sedan

2001 Acura Integra GS-R

2002 Subaru WRX

And currently own:

1989 BMW 325i

2003 BMW 330Ci

Even if I had my seven car garage I would still have my bronze E30 ready for running around town.

Eats, Shoots & Leaves

For some reason I have a knack for remembering the oddities of English grammar.

My intent today is not to regale you with examples of all those grammarian law-breakers out there. Surely a website is dedicated to such a topic. I am simply annoyed that one of my favorite commercials has been edited:



I love how as soon as their name leaves his mouth he realizes that he doesn't know how to pluralize it. Even I, the resident grammarian, have trouble with pluralizing last names that end in s or z.

Here is an excerpt from one of my favorite websites:

"When a family name (a proper noun) is pluralized, we almost always simply add an "s." So we go to visit the Smiths, the Kennedys, the Grays, etc.When a family name ends in s, x, ch, sh, or z, however, we form the plural by added -es, as in the Marches, the Joneses, the Maddoxes, the Bushes, the Rodriguezes. Do not form a family name plural by using an apostrophe; that device is reserved for creating possessive forms.

When a proper noun ends in an "s" with a hard "z" sound, we don't add any ending to form the plural: "The Chambers are coming to dinner" (not the Chamberses); "The Hodges used to live here" (not the Hodgeses). There are exceptions even to this: we say "The Joneses are coming over," and we'd probably write "The Stevenses are coming, too." A modest proposal: women whose last names end in "s" (pronounced "z") should marry and take the names of men whose last names do not end with that sound, and eventually this problem will disappear."

See? Clear as mud.

Sadly, Orbitz has since dropped the pluralizing gag in deference to those misunderstanding the joke. It is not making fun of the name, only the pluralization of names with similar endings. It would have worked just as well if they were the Joneses.

Sigh.

The Parable of the Cinnabon

Years ago, when Teresa and I were first married, I found a Cinnabon copy recipe on the internet. It's been our tradition that I make a batch for Thanksgiving and Christmas mornings. We spend the rest of the year pining for the buttery, sugary goodness.

When Elliott was still at home, I would be annoyed that he always wanted the coveted middle cinnamon rolls. As the rolls are arranged three by four in the pan you would only have two of the middle rolls. At the time I thought it a bit pretentious for a teenager to think himself entitled to the middle roll. I mean, who the hell did he think he was? So I started placing the smallest rolls in this place and the largest ones at the corners. I also made sure the outside rolls got the most icing and the corner rolls the most of all.

But not this year.

As I cut the rolls to length this Christmas, I ended up having an especially fat and plump one. I found myself placing the big roll in one of the middle spots and wishing Elliott could have it. He's earned it.

Elliott has gone out into the world and become a man. He will always have a middle roll waiting for him in my home.